DUTCH GIRL




things I'm not doing

2003-07-22 - 10:37 a.m.

5:30pm, July 22/03

Twice in one day. Wow, I really am avoiding doing things I "should" be doing today. Ah well.

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Your Fridge - A key to your personality?

I was rooting around in the fridge, looking for something to eat and I started to wonder if you could read a person's basic personality by the state of their fridge?

I've always envied those people who have nice, clean, neat fridges, with only the bare essentials to make healthy meals. Mine is totally overcrowded with WAY too much food, some of it starting to turn. Things I bought in the grocery store on an impulse, or because I thought they looked cool, or would make me seem like a certain kind of person, but in reality I don't know what to do with them, or I'm never going to eat them.

And 10 million kinds of condiments. At least a dozen choices of salad dressing, because I never know what I might feel like (not to mention the other 6 bottles of salad dressing unopened in the pantry).

Things that have been in my freezer since the dawn of time.

6 kinds of pickles and 3 kinds of olives. 2 tubs of margarine because I hate running out.

Not to mention the outside of my fridge, which is completely covered with old fridge magnets, coupons that have expired long, long ago, pictures of my cats, pictures of myself when I was much younger and thinner, business cards from god knows who, etc.

I'm not sure I should dwell on this, since I fear for what it will say about the state of my chaotic mind.

10:37am, July 22/03

Things I should be doing today:

1. Going to work

2. Finishing the report that they've been asking for for a week now

3. Adding a bazillion addresses into a database for a mailout I should have done a week ago

4. Cleaning the bathroom

5. Dealing with the mess I'm making of my life

Things I'm doing today instead:

1. Hiding out at home, pretending to be sick

2. Smoking too many cigarettes for 10:30 in the morning

3. Spending too much time here in Diaryland and then contemplating a couple of hours with the PS2 and a good game of Rachet and Clank

4. Avoiding the mess

A producer from Canada AM just phoned me, wanting to get ahold of M to see if she'd go on the show tomorrow to tell her story. My god, when will it all end? I thought it would be dying down by now, but the story seems to be getting bigger and bigger. That's half the reason I decided to hole up at home today. I'm just tired of it all and need a fricking break.

T leaves town for 2 weeks tomorrow morning, and I feel so completely guilty over the fact that I'm looking forward to it. Just to have a little time to myself, to think. I plan to spend the weekend hiding out here with the novels I bought in San Francisco last month. I'm almost finished The Autograph Man, which is an excellent book. The writer is only 27 years old, and she kicks ass! My friend Don is going to send me her first novel, White Teeth, which he says is even better. It's great to have a friend in the book business.

Woke up at 5am this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. I've been having these crazy, intense, disturbing dreams. The other night I dreamed that I kept coming into this house with this guy, over and over, and these men were trying to kill us. Each time, it played out a little differently. At one point, this guy had slit my throat and I was lying on the floor, holding it while blood gushed out and pretending I was dead, just waiting for the chance to get up and run away when they weren't looking. When I finally got up and ran, they chased me up the stairs with a baseball bat. Yikes, how sick is that?

The 5am dream had something to do with a little boy I was trying to rescue from these large, long-haired biker-type men. I had several women (seemingly my sisters) trying to help me plan this escape. At one point I had to have sex with one of the guys to distract him. I don't even want to begin to try to analysis that one.

So I ended up laying there from 5 to 7 thinking about what I need to say to R on Thurdsday night, assuming he doesn't jam out on me at the last moment (which he's totally capable of doing). Of course, the fact that I have it all planned out in my head means nothing. How often do we carefully plan a conversation in advance and it never ends up going that way at all.

I have to keep reminding myself that no matter how intensely you feel something at the time, everything passes. You can think you're going to die from the intensity of your feelings, from how badly you hurt, or how much you want something, or whatever and a month or two later, you wonder what the hell that was all about. All the shit that's happened in my life just shows me that I'm strong and I can get over things, if I just do what's right for me.

I spent another evening with the lovely Miss S, who's still trying to get over the ordeal she went through last week. Another game of Trivial Pursuit (she kicked my ass, even though she insisted that I "let" her win), we drank two bottles of wine and then watched part of Withnail and I. I didn't want to go home, but how many nights in a row can i avoid going home, especially when T is leaving in 2 days. So sorry for bailing at midnight S, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

Don't hide out in your apartment forever. We have an excellent, kick-ass party to go to on Monday night and it really won't be the same if you don't come. I swear to god none of us will let anything bad happen to you.

Vorig - Daarna

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