DUTCH GIRL




are we our mothers?

2003-07-23 - 12:06 p.m.

I woke up at 6 this morning, as T was getting ready to leave for 2 weeks on the road. After the door clicked shut at 7 I was flooded with this sense of relief to have some time to myself for a while, time to think, quickly followed by a sinking sense of depression about what the fuck is going on. Depression seems to be looming just over my shoulder, just waiting to eat my head if I let it.

There are a million things running through my mind, which would explain why I can't sleep these days (I think I've logged a total of about 12 hours in the last 4 nights).

I looked at T's sweet face last night and thought "Do I really have it in me to blow up his life in such an awful way just because I don't know how to be happy and made foolish mistakes?" Is it right to choose my happiness over his?

And am I really, despite all my best efforts, all my life, too much like my mother? She blew up my father's life, and mine and my brother and sister's, for the "great love". It made my teenage years hell, but I accepted it because I thought that's what it was, but it didn't last, and there have been at least 2 more "great loves" since then, and more people's lives blown apart. Fuck.

And are R and I running scared from something that might, possibly, be something significant, because of fears and difficulties, or am I just creating all of this in my own head due to a certain love of drama and an over-active need for love?

I think I'm gonna get drunk and weepy tonight.

Vorig - Daarna

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