DUTCH GIRL




Tequilla - A cautionary tale.

2003-08-04 - 5:27 p.m.

I love tequilla. Probably way too much. I think I must have been Mexican in a former life or something. I've had just about every kind, from disgusting rot-gut to really expensive tequilla that goes down like liquid velvet. And this crazy kind of boot-leg/moonshine tequilla that little men make in stills in the mountains outside of Puerto Vallarta, called Raicilla, which has a high enough alcohol content to rate as lighter fluid, I'm sure.

The only problem with tequilla is that it's more like a drug than most of your garden-variety types of booze. And it's not for the faint of heart. I was reminded of this while reading the diary entry of a friend, and thought about this story that I'm about to tell.

Keep in mind, I drink tequilla a lot.

About 2 months ago, I decided to have a big party. It had been ages since I'd thrown a party at all, and it's one of my favorite things to do. Planning the whole thing. Inviting lots and lots of people. Getting dressed up all purty. Waiting that first excrutiating hour where you wonder if this is going to be the time - the party where no-one shows up and your reputation as a "great party-thrower" finally gets destroyed.

As always, by 11pm, there were about 50 people crowded into my little house. I had decided that the theme of this particular party was "Jello Shots" and I had stayed up way, way too late the night before, making over 100 individual jello shooters, in little plastic cups with lids (the kind they give you salsa in at Taco-Bell). All different colours, all containing half water and half vodka. Mmmmm. And I bought a bottle of good gold tequilla - El Jimador. Just one bottle, cause you don't want things to get too out of hand, right?

My friend Dennis, who was staying with me at the time, and I sampled a few jello shots while waiting for folks to arrive. Just a few. And a shot or two of tequilla. Just enough to get a pleasant little buzz going, but nothing out of control.

I looked good. I was being a fabulous hostess, greeting my guests, passing out jello shots, explaining to people how to get all the jello out of the little cup with your tounge, without hurting yourself.

One friend, thinking he was being helpful, brought along a second bottle of tequilla. Another brought with her a bag of mushrooms. Now, I should say that I'm not a big drug taker, but I have been known to partake in small amounts on rare occasions. That night, fuelled already by jello and tequilla, I thought "oh what the heck, I'm in the safety of my own home, with friends", so I did a small amount.

Foolish. Just enough to not really feel the full effects of the alcohol I was consumming with gusto. I had suddenly developed a super power: Immunity To Booze.

The next thing I knew, someone had filled a water pistol with tequilla and I was squirting it down my gullet every few minutes. We were playing Twister in the basement, with jello now EVERYWHERE. I think I was going for my 12th jello shot by midnight.

Flash forward to the next morning. I woke up in my bed, still dressed, at 11am the next morning, feeling pretty darn fuzzy. I lay there for a moment, trying to remember the later part of the evening. The end of the party ... blank. Going to bed ... blank. I sat up in bed with a bad feeling. The last thing I could remember was about 3 in the morning, sitting in the livingroom having a conversation with a couple of people. Then ... nothing.

I jumped up (okay, I struggled up, trying not to fall over) and ran downstairs to wake up Dennis.

"Hey, wake up. What the hell happened at the end of the party? What time did I go to bed??"

Dennis opened one blurry eye and said "I don't know. You were still up when I went to bed at about 4."

Shit. So there was a whole hour unaccounted for. I went upstairs. There, in the middle of the living room floor, were TWO totally empty tequilla bottles. Last I could remember, I was working my way through the bottom third of the first one. Not good.

I started making phone calls. My friend LLB had some answers. I asked her what time she had left the party. "Oh, about 6, when some of us went for breakfast." "6??? Was I still up then? Was I walking and talking?" She laughed. "You were sorta walking, and you were talking, but it wasn't really english. Don't you remember?"

Now, I'm not a black-out drinker. I had a couple of friends who did that in college, and it used to scare me. I always thought "thank god I know when to quit". So this had never happened to me before. And I was scared.

When I had admitted to LLB that I didn't remember much after 3am (now I was missing three hours!!) she said "So, I suppose you don't remember falling head first into your bookcase?" Which I certainly didn't although it explained the tender spot on the top of my head.

Through phone calls to various friends who had been there late, I pieced together the following details:

- french kissing not one, but TWO of my girlfriends.

- drinking the remainder of the tequilla (or most of it). Much of it by forcing cute guys (one in particular) to do body-shots with me.

- biting said cute guy and leaving marks on his neck and chest.

- sitting with my foot in cute guy's crotch, in front of the rest of the room (cute guy definately not being my husband), despite his attempts to remove it.

- holding strange conversations in some language all my own (maybe partly Mexican?)

- crashing into my bookcase with my head, getting back up and drinking more tequilla.

- being escorted to bed and falling asleep, fully dressed, before my head literally hit the pillow.

- snoring like a freight train.

I guess it's not all THAT bad, but for someone who's usually pretty much a control freak ... I still can't believe that there are 3 hours of my life that I can't, and will likely never, remember. 3 hours where I apparently had a lot of fun. But who was I? Certainly not me. It's like I was invaded by aliens. Little aliens with Mexican accents.

So, I offer this as a cautionary tale. Be very careful when drinking tequilla. It's the devil's drink. Especially when you mix it with jello and mushroom.

Cheers.

Vorig - Daarna

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