Well, I did it. I had "the conversation" with T. Or at least we began the conversation. It's likely to go on for a while, 'cause it's not like you sort this kinda stuff out in one shot.

I can't believe how hard it was to bring it up. That's part of the problem. We don't talk easily about real stuff. We can babble away all evening about a book or a movie or politics or something, but when it comes to feelings and that kind of thing we're both pretty closed off to each other.

I was asleep by the time he got home late Sunday night, and had to work at home on the computer all day Monday (didn't actually finish until midnight), so I spent about 24 hours avoiding him and feeling like crap before I finally screwed up my courage after dinner last night and said "I'm not happy".

Turns out he hasn't been feeling all that happy either. There were tears and lots of "I don't know what's going to happen" talk, but for the most part it was good. At least we're communicating and I've told him I'm confused and unhappy right now and he's said he doesn't want to lose me but he understands that I have to do what I have to do. I really don't know what that is yet, but I feel a weight taken off my shoulders. Now the trick is not to just let it all slip away again and wind up not talking just like always.

He's away again this afternoon and gone until Sunday night, so it gives us both a bit of time to think about things.

I did tell him that I know he loves me, but I don't feel that he's passionate about me and I'm too young to live the rest of my life without passion.

Why isn't life easier?

4:30pm

Just got off the phone from talking to B for an hour. It was a really good conversation that helped me a lot. Somtimes when we take a moment to say that we're not okay, that life is pretty fucked up right now, we give other people the chance to say "yah, I know" and to tell us that they care about us, and to offer whatever they have in the way of insight and maybe even help. I'm really bad at doing all that, at allowing others to know that I'm not all strong and functional and shit, but I'm trying to learn how to be better about it. How to let folks in a little, sometimes. And it's suprising what can come out that. Thanks B. As I said on the phone, you can be really smart when you wanna be. I called T on the road to tell him I do love him and I want him to be okay this weekend and he can call me anytime. I'm going to try breathing now.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I came across this great line in the book I just finished reading - The Autograph Man by Zadie Smith. She's amazing. The main character's girlfriend is giving him shit for his inability to committ, even though they've been together for a long time:

"There will never be that moment, don't you get it?" she asked, punching the arm of the sofa. "When you've had all the different people you want, when you're done, when you 'settle' for me. People don't 'settle' for people. They resolve to be with them. It takes faith. You draw a circle in the sand and you agree to stand in it and believe in it. It's FAITH, you idiot."

Something to think about.