Well, here I am.

Another Friday night and I'm sitting here in front of my computer. What the hell is wrong with me?

I went to my Dad's house for dinner, with his wife and my sister and her husband, which was okay. But just okay. I could feel them looking at me funny, like "Are you alright?" and the last thing I wanted to do was to talk to them about my fucked up life or my marriage (I dropped the bomb to my family a few days ago that T and I were having some "troubles" - thought it best to lay a little of the ground work for whatever comes next).

After dinner I had vague plans to meet Jessie and some of the folks at the new bar. He called last night to say they were painting and I should come down for some beers, but I couldn't go because I had to have my next 3 month blood-test this morning, which meant no food or drink, and certainly no beer, after 9pm. He said they'd likely be there again tonight and I should come after dinner, but when I called there was no answer. Went by on my way home and peered in the windows, but no one was there. Tried his cell phone - nothing.

So then I'm thinking, it's 9 o'clock on a Friday night and I don't want to just go home and sit there again, feeling shitty and depressed. I called just about everyone I know and they all seem to be out. Can it really be that everyone but me has a life? I guess so.

So now I'm doing just that - sitting here feeling shitty and depressed. Knowing I should do something productive with my time, but having a hard time thinking of anything. I've just begun to realize I have all the classic signs of real depression - lack of interest in food, inability to sleep on some occassions and then the desire to just sleep all the time on others, feelings that my life is worthless, lack of interest in doing things I used to like doing. The list goes on. I suppose I should do something about this, but I don't have the energy.

How did I get this way? I think I used to be happy. Maybe I was just busy and that seemed like happy. It feels like it's been coming on for a while and I have a hard time remembering when the last time was that I really felt good about my life. Things are okay when I'm around other people and distracted from the shit, but the moment I'm alone, it all comes crashing back.

This isn't really helping, of course. This is just sitting here feeling maudlin and self-pitying. T said the other night that one of the reasons he fell in love with me was because I had this enormous light shining out of me and he just wanted to be around it (which is a pretty nice thing to say, all in all) but I feel like that light has been out for a while. Maybe I should go looking for the switch, instead of sitting here feeling sorry for myself.