We opened the show today. It went really well and made me feel happy. Maybe I don't suck as much as I thought I did. I actually had that conversation with a couple of the actors tonight. I tried to impress on them that I wasn't just saying that to get praise, but because I felt that I had totally lost control of the rehearsal hall so many times. They assured me that I hadn't actually lost control, but had let them be who they needed to be in the process. Maybe I'm not the shitty director I feel I am sometimes?

I talked to my mother tonight and found out her husband is back in the hospital again. After going through all of that for three months after Christmas this year, I'm pretty worried. I really thought he was going to die in January, but he pulled through (kind of). Now, I'm worried again that he's going to die. I'm not sure how long you can go through the crap he's lived through in the past 6 months, and then be hospitalized with a 104 degree fever and an unidentifiable infection, and still live. Plus, I don't think he has much will to live any more. Too much suffering in the past few months. He's a sweet man amd I think he's tired. And I worry that my mom feels that him dying would be a relief. She wouldn't have to nurse him any more. But I also think she will totally bottom out if he goes and my sister and I will have to deal with all of that. And my sister will have a new baby, which means I will have to deal with all of that.

Not that I don't want to be there for my mother, but I've spent the majority of my life dealing with her grief (in one way or another) and I'm not sure that I have the resources for it at this particular moment in my life. I barely have the resources to deal with my own shit. In fact, looking at the situations of the past few months, I clearly don't have the resources for dealing with my own shit. But I suppose I'll find the strength for her. I always do.

Poor, poor Dick. It breaks my heart. I guess I'll make another hopital visit tomorrow. There's always something worse than your own problems.