Here's a weird thing.

I'm trying to understand my tendancy to get jealous in inappropriate situations. Do I just need to be the centre of attention? Do I feel like I have to be loved the most?

Tonight, I finished rehearsal at 6 and Dennis and B were calling me, so I went to meet them at The Pickle. They had been drinking for the better part of the aftrenoon and it was hard to catch up. I started to wonder why I was there.

B was trying to make time with the waitress, which was fine, but he was also deep in conversation with Marcie, and I felt weird about that. Not because I think there's anything wrong with him and Marcie hooking up ... they seem to have tons in common and maybe it could be good for both of them ... but because he has this ability to say and do the same thing to any girl that's in his orbit and it makes me feel less (or un) special. Like he responds to me in a way that has nothing to do with me and everything to do with being in the orbit of a girl who pays him attention. And I want to understand what is special about me in his world. I certainly know what is special and unique about him in my world. But maybe I don't show it. Ultimately, I want to believe that I mean something to him that is unique to me and him.

It also made me really miss R, because I feel secure in that shit when I'm around him. Despite all the weirdness of our relationship, I understand that I mean something to him that is really and truly about him and me and not about anyone else. B said to me last night "You weren't there and I missed my Jo" but I'm not sure, with him, that I know what that means. With R, I know what "my Jo" means. With B, not so much. Maybe that's just me.

A good example was that fact that Marcie kept letting him feel her tits. Fine. But he said that, ultimately, a guy just wants to feel tits, which makes any one girl's tits not so special, and then he leaned across and said, in a whisper, "You know I've always loved your tits" and I thought - I don't know what that means, because if a tit is always just a tit ....

The pizza is here. Time to go eat. And sleep. And rehearse again in the morning. It never ends.