I went out tonight, despite the fac that I had promised myself that I would stay in, in my pajamas, no matter what. I went out because it was my friend Adam's birthday and he's had a hard year. His wife left him about 6 months ago and he seems need a lot of love right now, and I felt that showing up for his birthday party, despite the fact the I really wanted to stay in my pjs, qualified as showing a lot of love.

I ended up having a nice (relatively) conversation with Grant. He's the guy who made me cry a few weeks ago. I've known him for about 20 years. He was my first boyfriend. It was weird. We can totally talk about all out years of history and we know so much about each other, but we really can't talk about the present. He drove me home, and just before he dropped me off, hes asked me if everything was better with me and T. I said it was "okay", it is what it is, and then he asked me about R. I said we were trying to figure out how to just be friends, because we matter to each other, and again he brought up the thing about how I like things that are "shiney and new", like somehow, something new in my life is obviously something lesser or bad. Like somehow I value things that have been in my life less if I have something new.

Does finding something new devalue that old things? Do I really ahve to chose between the new and the old? Can't I have new love without losing old love?

These things confuse me.