I'm pissed off tonight.

I know I shouldn't be. It's most likely all my own fault, but ...

Shanny and I were supposed to hang out this weekend. I haven't seen her in forever, mostly because I was so busy and didn't want to hang out in my small amount of free time. I just wanted to sit in my living room and veg. Plus, T was home and not working much and it's hard to justify dumping him and running off to do other shit in the small amount of time we ever get to spend together. So I refused to go out a couple of times. She's most likely still sore at me over that.

But, we did plan to hang together this weekend. I know I said I'd try to go to Kurt and Suzanne's party. But I was just too hung-over on Friday night. 4 hours of sleep and then 7 hours of work, plus the oppressive heat. I just wanted to stay home. And when she called, she was already there, at the party, so it's not like she needed a ride from me or anything.

But I had hoped she would call today and we could do something fun. Turns out they were all at the beach all day. I would have liked to go to the beach. It was so freaking hot. By the time Shanny called at 6:30, I was all hurt and pissy. There was no way I was driving out to Sundance to hang with people who had been hanging out together all weekend. I love Kurt and Suz, but it's so not my life and they're all younger than me, and live a life I don't live, and I really just wanted to hang with Shanny and catch up in some kind of more quiet fashion. I guess not.

Add to that the feeling that I'm pissed at R. We also made tentative plans to get together this weekend. He called me on Friday afternoon, with his usual "I don't know. I don't know what's planned this weekend" bullshit. On Friday, I was glad, since I didn't really want to go anywhere. But today I got to thinking about it, and I'm sick of this game. He always says he wants to do something, and then I try to plan it, and then he always has this lame excuse, usually the "I don't know what's planned" one, and we never end up doing anything. And then he calls and wants to know if I'm coming to band practice.

Right. So I can sit for 3 hours doind nothing, listening to your average band, and then have one or two drinks with you at the end of the night, when you're already pissed. Just because it won't cause a problem with your girlfriend and "what's already planned".

Yes, okay, I'm cranky. It's most likely the heat. And the fact that I've actually had time off to think about my shitty life. It's so hard to have one foot in the married person life and one foot in the single person life, and not feel like you fit into either world. I don't dig the world of hanging out with the other married people all that much. They tend to bore me, plus it's hard to fit into that world when your spouse in never here and all those activities involve couples. But I'm not single either, and don't fit into the world of all the younger swinging singles I know. It sucks to be the only married person in the singles crowd, or the only "single" person in the married crowd. It leaves me feeling like I don't really have any friends.

I feel right now like my life is full of people who want my company when there's something in it for them, but don't give a shit when there's something in it for me. I know that's probably unfair and untrue. I know I'm not an easy person to be friends with, because I have all these boundries and I get pretty stubborn about my alone time. But I don't get much of it, and it matters to me. I spend a lot of time dealing with the demands of others, and sometimes I just want time to deal with my own needs. Does this make me selfish?

In all of this, I've discovered one bright spot. That's B. We've been friends for so many years and I've finally come to realize that he really does love me for me. He knows me well, and cares about me, and doesn't take me for granted. He will call or write me when he thinks I need a friend, but he doesn't smother me either. We don't always agree, and sometimes we hurt each others feelings, but we're always there for each other in the ways that really count, and I value that more than I can say. I was mad when he moved away, all those years ago, but I also knew it would be for the best, and that we'd always be in each other's lives if it mattered. And it's true. We are in each others lives.

I hope he knows how much I value that. He's not an easy person to love. He has all these issues and boundries, even when he didn't think he had boundries. But he's one of my best friends in the whole world, and I'll love him always. I think he thinks these exact things about me.

Now I'm going to go have a cocktail and then retire to bed and see what tomorrow brings.

G'night.