Well knock me down and colour me stunned.

I actually went for a drink with R last night, and it was nice. We had a good time. We had some honest conversation. It wasn't upsetting or emotional. We didn't stay out too late or get too drunk and I venture to say that maybe we both went home feeling okay about the whole thing. Which is good, since we start rehearsals on Monday.

I was especially suprised because I had run into him, unexpectedly, on Monday night, after not having seen him in almost a month. I'd had a few cocktails and wasn't super proud of my behaviour. I mentioned that maybe we should have a drink before we started work next week, and he'd said "Maybe Thursday" and I said "Sure, call me".

Come yesterday morning I totally didn't expect him to call. I was quite convinced that he wouldn't. Suprise suprise, my cell rings at 12:30. We chat for a moment and he tells me he has a cold. And I think, there we go, he's going to beg off. But no, he wants to know if I'm still up for a drink in the evening. He says he'll call me when he gets off work. 5pm, he calls again and says he'll meet me at 7:30. And he does. And it's okay.

I guess distance isn't a bad thing. Some time apart seems to have been good for us. We had the most honest conversation we've had in a long time, without it being all weird and emotional. We talked about how he scrutizes my emails, trying to read between the lines, and feels like he has to be so careful with every word he says back. I told him that was silly and I really wished he would just say what he thought or felt.

He was also honest, for the first time really, about his life right now and the choices he's made and why. We talked about safety and fear. Some of it was stuff I've really needed to hear him say for a long time. It made me able to say I understood his choices, but I also added that I didn't believe I was in his life to just let him sit back and be safe and careful and fearful all the time. I said that I believe one of the things that has drawn us to each other since the beginning and been a foundation of our friendship is that we see each other in ways others don't and are both good at calling each other on bullshit. He does it to me all the time.

He did it last night. I was moaning about the night T had Natascha over for dinner, and how I felt left out and how I was insecure and thought everyone finds her more interesting than they do me. A few minutes later, he said "Wait, I want to go back on something you said. I can't believe that you think N is more interesting than you are. You can't really believe that. You're one of the most interesting women I've ever met." I said "That just because I'm crazy" and he laughed and said "No it's not. You are crazy sometimes, and believe me, that I could live without, but don't put yourself down that way. You're interesting and you know it". See, good bullshit calling.

I told him that I wasn't ever going to be the freind who let him get away with making choices out of fear, or at least not owning them and being honest about them.

Right around this point, Cam the Conversation Killer say down with us, so we quickly paid up and left. He came and sat in my car while I played him my favorite Carolyn Mark song and we had a good laugh and then he left and we both went home and I felt good about the evening fof the first time in a long time.

And I was still home in time to dye my hair before bed. It's now a lovely shade of Cherry Black, which I haven't done in about 5 years. I like it.

In other news, I have to go give shit to two members of my staff this afternoon. I so thought that shit was over when the Business Manager left last spring, but apparently these two a dedicated to keeping her memory (and passive-aggressive tendancies) alive and well. But no more! I'm going to be a lot tougher this year. I'm tired of the bullshit. Yay me!