Friday was sooo fucked up.

It started when I got in to work in the morning and had an email from this guy on my board (the treasurer and VP) about how he's been going over the budget and he's worried about our finances. We're a bit behind right now, but mostly because we over-spent in admin costs, which they fully approved, and then there's been almost no fundraising, which is a big part of their job. So he's looking over things and tells me to cut this one specific item, fees for outside directors for our new play festival in April. It's a total item of just under $4000. Not much when you're behind by about $40,000. I found it strange that he didn't just write to ask me and my GM to go over the budget and tell him what all we thought we could cut to save money.

I wrote back to him and explained, as pleasantly as I could, that I couldn't cut that line as it is essential to the program. We workshops 6 plays, for one week each, over the course of 18 days. Sometimes we have 4 workshops going at the same time. There's no way I could possibly direct all those workshops. He writes back again that he's trying to save the company from going bankrupt (WTF?) and he knows I won't agree with his decision, but it's his to make. Again I wrote back that I respect what he's trying to do, but this isn't the way to go about it. I tell him that Michelle and I will go over the budget Tuesday and propose cuts to him.

Total frustration at this point, because I feel too often that some of my board members are very disrespectful and make statements like this when they don't know what they're talking about, and don't understand the difference between governance (which is meant to be arms-length) and micro-managing, which sends the message that they don't trust the staff.

Anyhow, R showed up at the show and we went for lunch, which turned into a couple of beers. I told him this whole story and how stressed they were making me. I had to go back up to the office and do a few things, but he said he'd wait. We were just finishing up around 6, getting deep into this conversation about our relationship to each other and our significant others, when who should show up but his significant other. She guessed he was in the bar with me because he wasn't answering his phone. Kinda weird, but we managed to sit there quite nicely and chat, including a strange moment when he went to the bathroom and she asked me to help her plan a suprise party for him. I felt like I got through all of that okay, and we wrapped up to leave at 7. I had to head back up to the office to get my stuff, and I stupidly decided to check my email one more time before leaving.

There were 3 new emails from board members, including one more from the treasurer. It seems that there was an underlying motivation to the whole thing. I've been asked to direct this play for my friend's company in April. I told my board president about it over lunch the other day, since I have this totally stupid clause in my contract that actually has me seek the permission of the executive to accept outside work. I was planning on sending an email Friday, but when all this other bullshit came up, I thought I'd wait until the beginning of the week. I know they're going to be a little hesitant because it's while Michelle is away on holidays, so I've been trying to see if I can arrange the rehearsal schedule to be as much on my own time (evenings and weekends) as possible.

As it turns out, the reason why he was on at me about cutting this line in the budget was that he thought I was hiring outside directors to do the workshops so I could go off and do this show for another company. And he was trying to punish me, or forbid me, in this totally indirect and passive-aggressive way. And I hate to stereotype in any way, but he's this aggressive, uptight, conservative gay guy with poor social skills. Asshole.

I totally freaked out. I couldn't believe he was accusing me of this. Sooooo inappropriate. If he wanted me to cut the budget, he should have asked me to cut the budget. If he thought I was doing something underhanded that put my own interests before the company's, he should have had the balls to say that directly to my face.

I've worked for this company for the majority of my professional career. I've put my blood, sweat, toil and tears into it. I've gone without paycheques when cash was tight. I don't own a house or have a savings account because I've never made much money. I've seen to it that the rest of the staff get raises when I don't get one because we can't afford it. I've NEVER put my own well-being before the company. These people have been on the board for maybe 2 years. They know nothing about professional theatre. And he has the gall to treat me like that. I was so offended. And then I started bawling my head off because I thought "I'm going to have to quit". I can't keep taking this shit and they have power over me and too often, they've been treating me like I'm an ignorant child. And I don't have the slightest clue what to do about it, or if there even is anything to do but to put myself first for once and walk away.

I fired back an outraged email explaining that a) the show I've been asked to do, which I haven't "accepted" yet since I need their permission, opens before the workshops even start so one has absolutely nothing to do with the other and b) if anyone on the board thinks so little of my dedication to the company, I should be asked to resign. Then I burst into tears and couldn't stop crying for about an hour. One of those big hiccuppy, can't catch your breath cries. Tried to phone a couple of people, needing someone to sort of "talk me off the ledge". Left a sobbing message for R, which I instantly regretted, and finally reach B. (Thanks for being there for me once again). He calmed me down somewhat and then I went to the bar and got good and loaded. Don't quite remember getting home.

I spent the rest of the weekend hiding out in my house, watching DVDs. Shirking other people and most activity. My board president did call me Saturday morning after she'd seen the final round of emails, to apologize for what asshole said and to say it was only his opinion and she hadn't meant to stir up anything by telling them about the show I hope to do before I had the chance to do it. All very nice, but the thing that worries me the most is that I don't see a solution to this. I think this particular board is going to continue to treat me this way on one level or another. They just can't help themselves. I feel trapped and I just feel sick to even think about it.

T and I are going to Montreal on Wednesday for a few days (he has a music conference and I'm tagging along, even though I can't really afford it right now) and we're going to talk about my options and what we might do if I gave my notice. It would be so scary, since I've never really been without work before, but I think it really might be time. The lunatics seem to be taking over the asylum.