Several months ago, my Doctor suggested to me that I might be suffering from depression. I toyed with the idea, but it's not one I'm comfortable with. It doesn't fit my idea of myself as a "coper": someone who gets on with life and deals with shit rather than wallowing in it. Certainly not someone who might need drugs to help her feel better about life.

But ...

I think it might be true.

I've been doing a bunch of reading on depression and it's symptoms. I seem to have almost all of them. I did this on-line test which rated me at 64. Anything over 54 was "severe depression". It certainly makes sense with where my head has been lately and how emotional and miserable I've been so much of the time. And if I think back on it, I think it's been building for about 2 years, at least since I was diagnosed with diabetes. It also makes sense in terms of how ill-equipped I've been feeling to deal with all the shit life has been throwing at me, like the shit at work.

This week, I discovered that one of my employees, the guy we had to fire about a month ago, had been sending these evil, mean emails about me to another past employee, for about a year (the dumb-ass left them in his "sent mail" on his work computer, using his work email address). I don't think I've ever done anything to him to make him see me that way, but there he was, all that time, smiling and being nice to my face and thinking and saying these really horrible things about me behind my back. Rationally, I know it's because he's a sick, malicious little man, but irrationally, I keep wondering why he thought those things and wondering how many other people think those things. It's become just one more thing to undermine any sense of confidence I have left in myself. He called me a liability to my company. He said all the plays that I'm choosing for next year are dreadful and no-one can figure out where my head is at. Now I'm looking at the list of plays and can't stop the voice in my head that wonders "Are they bad? Is he right?"

Friday night I was supposed to go out with Shanny and Scout, but I ended up hiding out at home with a brutal head-ache, which is mostly what I've been doing lately. I know Shanny probably thinks it's because I wanted to go to the theatre bar, but it truth, I just couldn't face the thought of sitting around in a quiet atmosphere and having to talk about anything. It seemed too exhausting. If I was going to go out, I wanted it to be somewhere noisy and distracting, where I didn't have to deal with my life.

These are the symptoms commonly associated with depression.

You feel miserable and sad. CHECK - at least half the day every day these days.

You feel exhausted a lot of the time with no energy . CHECK - I can sleep 14 hours a day, no problem, and still feel tired.

You feel as if even the smallest tasks are sometimes impossible. CHECK - like doing the dishes, or having a shower.

You seldom enjoy the things that you used to enjoy-you may be off sex or food or may 'comfort eat' to excess. CHECK - well, I've always been a comfort eater, so maybe that doesn't count. And sex? Who has sex anymore?

You feel very anxious sometimes. CHECK - 2 or 3 times a day, at least.

You don't want to see people or are scared to be left alone. Social activity may feel hard or impossible. CHECK - can I just list all the DVDs I've watched in the last month?

You find it difficult to think clearly. I don't know about this one. Hmmm .... have to think about it. Wait.

You feel like a failure and/or feel guilty a lot of the time. CHECK - these days I feel like a failure almost all the time, except for the times when I'm feeling guilty for something I did, or think I did, or worry I might do.

You feel a burden to others. CHECK - I've always felt that way. My mother instilled that in me at an early age.

You sometimes feel that life isn't worth living. CHECK - I can't say I feel suicidal, but I do often wonder what the point is of living another how many ever years of this life.

You can see no future. There is a loss of hope. You feel all you've ever done is make mistakes and that's all that you ever will do. CHECK - see above. I think an awful lot about all the things I haven't done and why I didn't do them.

You feel irritable or angry more than usual. CHECK - Most days, I arrive at work feeling okay, and within the first half hour, something sets me off and I'm angry and irritated and on the verge of tears for the next few hours.

You feel you have no confidence. CHECK - what did I say about worrying about my season choices?

You spend a lot of time thinking about what has gone wrong, what will go wrong or what is wrong about yourself as a person. You may also feel guilty sometimes about being critical of others (or even thinking critically about them). CHECK - I don't even need to talk about this one. And lots of people seem to be willing to help me examine what's wrong with me these days.

You feel that life is unfair. CHECK - It isn't?

You have difficulty sleeping or wake up very early in the morning and can't sleep again. You seem to dream all night long and sometimes have disturbing dreams. CHECK - I used to be a good sleeper, but these days I rarely make it through more than 3 hours straight without sleeping pills. I've always been good at disturbing dreams, so I don't know if that counts.

You feel that life has/is 'passing you by.' CHECK

You may have physical aches and pains which appear to have no physical cause, such as back pain. CHECK - do chronic head-aches count?

Isn't that just a cheery list? Althought I venture to say most people can identify with this list. But it seems to be all the time and overwhelming these days. I just can't lift the mood. I feel okay when I'm at home, hiding from the world, watching movies or something, but then I have to go out and engage in my life again, and there I am, angry, frustrated, sad, hopeless, etc.

Just a joy to be around, let me tell you.

So ... I guess maybe I should try out the drugs my Doctor was suggesting? It's got to be better than this.