I've spent a lot of time in the last 3 days wondering what I did wrong to find myself in this situation. I know, I know, but that's just me. I keep thinking - one to many "sick" days? Times when I went to the bar with actors after a show when I maybe should have stayed at my desk and churned out some form? Getting clinically depressed this winter and not being as responsive to the board as I should have been?

But here's what I know. It was never my job to run around pleasing the board. It was my job to provide good plays for the audience. To care about art and to champion it to the world. To provide opportunities for artists. To create an environment where good people liked to come and do good work. And I think I did those things well. But I couldn't always explain that to the board in a way that satisfied them.

Here's what I want to say to them:

"You people should be ashamed. You're cowards. To announce the need for a "new direction" and a "fresh vision" without saying what you think that might be, without ever giving me the chance to participate in any sort of conversation about it, to allow me the chance to respond to your concerns, is shameful. Now you will have to answer to the artistic community in this city, and the audience and the funders and try to explain to them your decision. Good luck to you. I think you may find it much harder than you have anticipated.

Because here's the thing I came to realize today. You people hold a public trust. You are responsible to answer to the public. It's not just some personal little hobby, some little side-line kingdom you've built. And you really know nothing about art, or about the business of running a professional theatre company in this country."

There's more, but that's about all the rant I can muster at this moment.

One thing I know for certain, I'm sure as hell not siging their little "confidentiality" agreement to get my money from them. I'll go work at McDonalds first. Once the legal thing is sorted out, I full intend to speak out against what's happening to arts organizations in this city and the relationships between boards and artists and the audience.

Fuck. I probably should have gone out tonight. I thought I'd just chill out at home and try to do something fun, but I can't help my mind from milling around, over and over. I don't aticipate much sleep tonight. Hmmm ... maybe I'll take a codeine pill. Mmmmm ... codeine.