I haven't updated in a couple of days now. I'm having trouble motiviating myself to do much more than hide out in my house. I feel safe and hidden from the world here, and the world is starting to seem like a kind of scary place.

I guess the thing is that I'm filled with this rage and grief over what happened and I don't know what to do with it or where to let it out. Every time I think about those people who could just collapse my life like this, without even the kindness of a conversation, I want to break things. There was an article in the local arts paper yesterday, with a bunch of quotes from the board president, and it just made me so angry. She said things like they wanted a new artistic direction, but they won't say what it is right now, out of respect for me.

Respect for me??? That is such utter bullshit. I'm sure it's what they have to tell themselves to justify the totally stupid and brutal thing they've done, but it makes me what to find some way to wreck their lives like they've wrecked mine. Not that I think my life is truly wrecked - I know I'll be fine in the end - but I just hate so much the feeling that these people could just make decisions like this, throw away what I've done for the past 17 years. I hate feeling powerless.

A few friends have written letters to them, expressing their concern and anger at the decision they made, but I know in the long run, everyone will knuckle under and keep working there. They don't have much choice. We all have to work. And it will all just go away, like yesterday's news, with me being the only one wearing the scars.

It feels much like I imagine it would feel if social services just walked into your house one day and said you were a bad parent and they were taking away your child, without even a reason why, so say good bye right now, and BAM, you're standing there and your kid is gone, and there's nothing you can do.

I know that probably sounds pretty melodramatic - it's just a job after all. But I never really thought of it as just a job. Theatre has been my whole life. I gave up a lot of things to keep that little company running over the years. And I did it because I loved it, even on days when it made me crazy. And I thought it was mine, I guess.

How wrong I was.