I'm so sad right now.

I spent the evening drinking with R. Suprise. It took about 15 minutes for both of us to say how much we had missed each other. And for him to tell me that he thought I looked beautiful. How glad he was that I hadn't cut my hair. How much pride he felt when I talked about the festival, because he knew I would be so good at it.

I jokingly said that I thought he was depressed because he hadn't seen me in 2 months and he said "That's more true than you can know".

I'm sad because I realized so clearly tonight that I love a man who is so weak. It's the thing that draws me to men in general. We were talking about the play that I'm directing tonight and I said how it interests me the most to see people playing against what they feel. That led us into a conversation about what's interesting in other people and in relationships. We finally came to terms with the whole issue of trust, when he admitted that I trust so much more than he does. That I fight against trust because I inherently trust people. And he talks about trust and how he trusts, but he really doesn't. He just says he does.

We talked a lot about how we need each other for that one person in your life that you can say anything to, and know that you are understood. Without judgement.

And I told him that I had felt it might be better if he had stayed in T.O. And he said he felt the same thing. But we were both glad he was home.

And I drove him home. And he made me promise that I would call when I was safely home myself.

And I just felt so fucking sad.