The last few days were better, probably because it was the weekend. Today I'm back into feeling horribly frustrated and miserable. I so want to just quit this stupid stupid job and walk away from it all. I've said before that there are good things about being the boss. I don't remember what they are now. And I'm not even really the boss, since I have this whole Board of Directors to deal with and right now I could cheerfully kill them all and hide their bodies and run away to Mexico.

I have a clause in my contract that requires me to give 6 months notice, and I'm seriously thinking about exercising it, for the first time ever. It would be so nice to just walk away and not have this pressure hanging over me all the time. The level of the unhappiness it instills in me is really starting to make me into a crazy person. I'm avoiding doing so many other things I should/could be doing these days, just because it's all I have in me to just keep up with what I HAVE to do on a daily basis. I haven't been to the gym in a couple of months and I've gained back 25 pounds and I hate myself for that. I alternate between not wanting to go anywhere or do anything or see anyone, and then I go out once or twice a week and end up drinking and staying up until 5 or 6 in the morning and not being able to stop. I'm really depressed about half the time. I know that I could go to my doctor and get anti-depressants and that might help in the short term, but the only thing that's going to really help in the long term is changing something in my life.

I hung out with Shanny on the weekend, and it was so nice to see her, because it's been a couple of weeks, and I'm happy that things are going better in her life and she's happier, but I had a hard time listening to some of it because I hate my life right now and everything seems like such shit. I don't have much in me to be excited for other people. I know that sounds selfish, but there it is.

I haven't really been reading anyone else's diarys, because every one else's life sounds so much better than mine.

Wow, I really am back in the dumps today. Just writing this is making me what to cry. So I'm going to stop and go have a diet coke and a cigarette and then I'm going to go back to getting my work done so that I can get the fuck out of here and go home.