So, we had our final dress rehearsal tongight, with an audience. We also had two runs of the play this afternoon.

It went well. I'm pretty happy with the show. The majority of the feedback I had tonight was good, and I went for a drink with Grant afterwards and we did some good analysis of the little things that still need to be fixed. Things to tune up the laughs in subtle ways, things to make the moments that much more right.

And yet I have this sinking feeling. I feel like I haven't really done my job all that well, because I've been letting my crazy shit get in the way. After conversations with Shanny and Grant this weekend, I'm so much more aware of how I'm letting my life spiral out of control.

I've always loved my job and prided myself on how good I can be at it, but I'm letting it become secondary to my crap in bad ways. I'm being driven by pretty questionable motivaters.

How do I start the process of turning this all around? Before it's too late and I've fucked it up completely. What can I do to find the person who was okay with her life just a year ago? How do I turn the clock back and take back all the crazy behaviour of the past year? What do I do about all the damage I've caused? Mostly to myself. How do I protect the people I love from me and my craziness?

It occured to me, when I woke up on Friday morning, with bruises and scrapes and sore spots, that the insanity and self-abuse of the past few months is beginning to manifest itself on the outside. I don't remember doing anything to cause all the damage, but I must have done something. It's like the things I've been doing to myself and my life and other people are leaving marks on my skin for everyone to see.

I feel so helpless and so out of control and so not like myself most of the time. I feel like I don't know the person who lived in this skin a year ago.

Wow, okay, this entry has gone to a weird place.

The first thing I need to do is go to bed, get a good night's sleep and be on my game for the opening of the show tomorrow. I need to show myself and all of the folks who will be there tomorrow (many of whom I happen to know have been talking about my life) that I'm still me and I'm still in control. Never let them see you sweat, right?